disconnect
it's strange really... the truth is, i have nothing much to complain about. my life is going just as swimmingly well as it possibly can - my work is boring but well well-renumerating, my work/life balance has actually improved over the last couple of months, i'm fairly healthy, and debt-free, i have things to do, some family and friends that i care for here.
i am one of the lucky ones. just about on the right side of the "haves" in the divide.
i know i should be happy and grateful. i know i should feel blessed.
but it feels a little bit hollow. i lack a grand passion. maybe that's why i'm hung up over the boy. i want to care deeply for someone, i want to care so much that it hurts, that i can be selfless (there's something very dangerous, warped, and S&M about this whole idea of love that I have that just smells of trouble!)
there's this line from "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls that I always felt keenly: "When everything seems like the movies, Yeah you bleed just to know your alive"
I feel like a broken recorder. I'm bored with my own complaints, my boredom.
I am convinced that I have both ADD and and obssessive disorder at the same time, which strikes me being an extremely bizarre combination.
***
daily, i am learning to let go. i am learning that loving is not possessing. i am learning to be Zen and Buddhistic, to accept everything.
Sometimes I feel old, settled. Accepting, resigned. If I accept everything in a Buddhistic way, then nothing will touch me. I fear and am sad over no loss. Because I realise that nothing matters in the wider context of the universe, of even our world and its problems.
That is how I'm coping now. But this life of even keel is tranquil but not vibrant. It's a trade-off that I'm happy to make for now. And it's undoubtedly a trade-off I will come back to again and again throughout my life whenever I am hurt and in pain. But in the long run, at the bottom of my heart, what will I choose in preference over the other?
I've always thought I am more of a passion than a peace girl. But after my first relationship trauma, I chose a life of quiet desperation for 5 years before hurtling madly unwisely into another passion for half a year, before i'm knitting it all up again. with time, repeated games, what will i choose? will the period where the heart rules the head become shorter and shorter, and will I choose the blessed state of unfeeling for longer and longer periods of time until one day that is all I become - a blank canvas?
i am one of the lucky ones. just about on the right side of the "haves" in the divide.
i know i should be happy and grateful. i know i should feel blessed.
but it feels a little bit hollow. i lack a grand passion. maybe that's why i'm hung up over the boy. i want to care deeply for someone, i want to care so much that it hurts, that i can be selfless (there's something very dangerous, warped, and S&M about this whole idea of love that I have that just smells of trouble!)
there's this line from "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls that I always felt keenly: "When everything seems like the movies, Yeah you bleed just to know your alive"
I feel like a broken recorder. I'm bored with my own complaints, my boredom.
I am convinced that I have both ADD and and obssessive disorder at the same time, which strikes me being an extremely bizarre combination.
***
daily, i am learning to let go. i am learning that loving is not possessing. i am learning to be Zen and Buddhistic, to accept everything.
Sometimes I feel old, settled. Accepting, resigned. If I accept everything in a Buddhistic way, then nothing will touch me. I fear and am sad over no loss. Because I realise that nothing matters in the wider context of the universe, of even our world and its problems.
That is how I'm coping now. But this life of even keel is tranquil but not vibrant. It's a trade-off that I'm happy to make for now. And it's undoubtedly a trade-off I will come back to again and again throughout my life whenever I am hurt and in pain. But in the long run, at the bottom of my heart, what will I choose in preference over the other?
I've always thought I am more of a passion than a peace girl. But after my first relationship trauma, I chose a life of quiet desperation for 5 years before hurtling madly unwisely into another passion for half a year, before i'm knitting it all up again. with time, repeated games, what will i choose? will the period where the heart rules the head become shorter and shorter, and will I choose the blessed state of unfeeling for longer and longer periods of time until one day that is all I become - a blank canvas?
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